I just came back to my home country Cyprus for a few weeks, to see family and also have some business meetings. The other days I was trying to set up my local phone number, deal with my properties and other general chores. That’s the bad thing for me with visiting my home country, it is never really a vacation. I am always running up and down to sort out situations and try to catch up with all my family and friends.
Then again, I have no complaints as many people do not have friends or a family to visit. As I learnt from Mr Stasinopoulos, whom I interviewed on my TV Show “Conversation with Nadia Themis” on my You Tube Channel, “it could always be worse”.
A few days ago, I was at the bank and there was a lady, and usually people trust me and open up to me. That’s probably that is why I am a life coach. So, we start talking about relationships and she was telling me how unhappy she is with her marriage, but she is afraid to divorce from her husband. She was feeling that she needs a man to be happy or even worse to feel safe in her life.
Through our discussion I found out that the problem was not actually her and him but his mother! As a life coach I am always trying to save the marriage rather than encourage divorce unless the marriage is really dead. God, her story took me back to 16 years ago, where some of my own memories came up to the surface.
Please help me to understand. We decide to get married, have children raise them and give them wings to fly. No, in Mediterranean culture, you raise them and you clip their wings so they cannot fly away from you as you “love” them too much to let them go free, not due to the fact that you are CONTROLLING, at the extent to even control their breathing.
Then the children get married, and the mother in some cases gets the role of the controlling figure as she knows best for her son. Then, we are complaining that there are not enough “masculine men” out there nor are there many gentlemen. How can someone respect a woman if they do not respect themselves and if they have never learned to respect a woman. If we use Freud’s conclusion, they probably don’t respect their own mother either, they have supressed so many feelings that their subconscious is in denial to actually love the female as their mother who appears as the dictator figure. Is this too deep? Maybe, but it can explain why those men who don’t respect women often have a very tyrannical mother and a passive father. Please don’t get me wrong, there are always exceptions.
From the day I had my kids, I have been teaching them about human rights and equality. This is what differentiates us from animals, the manners and respect to others. It is really sad seeing these families falling apart due to the weakness of the sons or daughters to trust their own gut, due to the weakness of the parents to “unclip” the wings of their children who lawfully belongs to them.
Although I have been divorced many years now, I am not against marriage or long relationships. As I always say, relationships are not hard work but there is a process in order to be successful like everything else in life. Nothing comes free or with a manual, we need to educate ourselves and learn from our mistakes and learn about our partner. Learning about your partner will help you to understand him/her and that will improve your relationship as you won’t take things personally. Here are a few tips for learning your partner:
- Listen to them actively
- Be there for them no matter what, even if you do not get your attention. It is not all about you
- Respect their needs at the specific moment
- Give them space if they need it
- Love them for whom they are and not for whom you want them to be
- Again, it is not all about you, give them air to breathe
- They were raised differently, with different background maybe a different culture too, study their way not yours
Imagine if we all did the above points, wouldn’t the relationship be nearly “perfect” although there is not such a thing as perfection, but it would be at its highest level of happiness and fulfilment.
To the women or men out there, you have probably been through a lot and I am here to tell you with confidence that you do not need a man or a woman to survive and thrive. You need to trust yourself and have faith. When I talk with women whom have been through abuse, manipulation and so many other things and yet they have survived, but they cannot divorce a bad marriage I really get upset because I admire them, and they cannot see what I see. What do I see? I see powerful women, who can achieve ANYTHING.
As a relationship coach specializing in Communication and Performance my observation through my practice the last 15 years is the fact that people give up easily and the main evil of all is our ego. If we master our ego and see the other person for whom they really are, then most of the marriages and relationships would be saved.
Do not be afraid to ask for help. When I was divorcing, I had therapy, sessions, mentors and everything that I had done literally saved my life and kept me sane. Give yourself the chance to breathe and enjoy life.
Life is a miracle, and we all deserve to enjoy every moment. I am not saying we will be happy every day, but we can be better than we are today. When you realize that you can lose this wonderful miracle called life, then you will enjoy even the sad moments because is part of our path of our journey. We are not damaged, we are in fact ‘growing’.
Last but not least, women and men you are brave, and you can achieve whatever you decide you want to achieve. You need to have faith in yourself and love yourself for who you truly are, acceptance is the beginning for your new life. Do not try to be normal at the same moment that you were born to be special.
Live the life you want not the life your parents have chosen for you. That is not you, but it is them. Parents, please give your kids a break and let them fly away. That is our duty in life, to teach them how to walk and let them fly to find their destiny. We will always be watching them, but we should not be controlling them.
Just realize that you are unique, there is no one in the world with the same DNA. Isn’t that amazing? I learned that at the age of 18, when I was trying to understand my purpose in life, and it changed my mind set forever.
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